Are You Ready For Some (sort of) Football?

This group of fanatics was psyched to watch their Rampage clash with the Los Angeles Avengers on a lazy Sunday in Grand Rapids, MI.

The crowd was a little bit, um, sparser, inside.

But the crowd got into it as their Rampage jumped out to a 21-0 lead in the first 8 seconds or so. I mean, it was real quick. By halftime, I was bored of touchdowns.

Despite the sparse crowd, the small field, and the whole "the NFL season is months away, this should hold you over" attitude, Arena Ball is an intimate fan experience. Fans in the front row heckle opposing players who come near the wall. Loren's friends in that picture use the Rampage to get their fix now that they're done with college. There is plenty of fun to be had.

And then at halftime they have the team's web designer stand in the middle of the field with a helmet with a bell on it and have fans try to throw footballs at his head. And when the fans miss, they move them closer so as not to disappoint the crowd. And the poor web designer takes a few footballs to the spinal column for good measure.


The highlight of the second half was watching a video of the Rampage QB reading the weather report. And another video of him showing fans around his house a la MTV Cribs. "This is my fridge. I got...bacon, and some Rampage water, I took it from the facility."

Final Score: Rampage 84, Avengers 59. That's 20 touchdowns. (yawn)

--david

Beautiful Day for a Ballgame

Oh yeah, the weather sucks in Chicago in late March. But 4o degree temperatures and pouring rain wouldn't stop hordes of eternally optimistic Cubs fans from piling into Wrigley field to watch their perennially disappointing team begin their 100th try at another World Championship.

Before any baseball could be played, we had to witness what I call "the dance of the grounds crew."

Here they come!

Now, everyone grab on:
Ok, 1...2...3...CHARGE!
KEEP RUNNING!

Hey guys, you spilled it all over the infield! I can get it off...with my foot...

I think I need some help here:

Oh yeah, we have these broom things...ok everyone get a broom thing and push the water toward the drains!

There we go, good work boys. Ok, now let's go roll it up.

Everybody 1...2...3...PUSH!

And finally they play:

The Cubs newest import, Kosuke Fukudome makes an immediate impact, whacking the first pitch he sees to the centerfield wall for a Double.

And then it started raining again.

So we took a picture: And drank hot chocolate:

(Benetti note: Nothing in America that costs two dollars is what it says it is. The contents of that white styrofoam container were neither hot nor chocolate.)

Eventually it stopped raining and they played again. The Cubs and the Milwaukee Brewers traded bullpen implosions. Fukudome added to his stellar debut with a game-tying three run homer in the bottom of the ninth. Then the Brewers scored in the tenth and spoiled opening day for the Cubs and their water-logged fans.

Or as we learned, they really didn't spoil anything. Most of the fans seemed less interested in the game than they were in drinking beer, eating sausage and texting their friends on their blackberrys to brag about skipping work to go to Opening Day.

Insert cheesy sentimental line about the trip coming to an end here.

We have more to blog about, and a book to write. Thanks for joining us so far. Stay with us; you won't be disappointed.

--david

I-80-sixed

Hello from Denver International Airport, home of lots of tents and a red-eyed bronco.

You're saying to yourself, "Where'd the rest of the trip go?" It's here. It's just that we spent the last two days in a car. Cars do not provide internet. Therefore, we have not told you about Grand Rapids, Michigan or Chicago, Illinois. We will do that shortly.

Briefly, Grand Rapids has a diner which prints a menu for the express purpose of confusing its customers and Chicago is a great place to develop an energy-drink business plan.....as long as you're wearing a poncho.

Talk soon,

-Benetti and Spiegel at a table near a fountain

Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting

If you think boxing is a dying sport, 512 degenerate gamblers in Mount Pleasant, Michigan will tell you otherwise. Last night was world (loose meaning) fight night at the Soaring Eagle Casino, and it marked the first boxing experience for either Benetti or myself (except for that one time we roughed the Jets up).

Briefly, let us note that casino and boxing is fantastic synergy. Sorta like a toothpick display at a banjo convention.

Chairs were set up in seminar form and with a constant stream of people flowing in and out of their seats to drink and smoke, visibility was challenging. I was able to use my sneakiness (don't under-estimate it) to take a couple good pictures.At a boxing match, the need for information is enormous. But, sadly, there are no scoreboards to provide you with what you need to know. No scoreboards without legs, that is.
What's going on, by the way, is a constant parade of call girls.

5 of the 7 fights went to the scorecards (one of them a bout between females). The other two matchups were classic confrontations of David and Goliath. Until Goliath beat the crap out of David. The second of these two massacres would have landed a guy in the electric chair if he weren't between the ropes. The night culminated with the Main Event (see, we're learning). It started with a girl named Minx singing the National Anthem. At first I thought she was taking liberties with the song, but by the time it was over I realized she didn't know the tune. The fight was a ten-rounder between Raul Marquez and a guy named Bronco. Who do you think won?During his post game interview, Marquez declared his win another launching point in his career. "I hope to move on to ESPN and HBO." The interview aired on Fox Sports Net. Ouch. Pretty neat that the ringside reporter was Danny DeVito's portrayal of the Penguin.

Arena football and Wrigley field to wrap things up,

-LBK and Benetti

Mystery Day

No internet made posting unavailable Friday (but thanks to the Horowitz's for giving us a bed).

Four Words: Smuckers Stars On Ice

There are some games on this road trip that some sports fans would pay a lot of money to see. The Sweet 16. Opening day at Wrigley field. Blackhawks vs. Blue Jackets. And then there was Thursday.

This trip's been in the works for a while, and we always knew Thursday would be the wild card. We needed Northern Ohio. We needed an event. We couldn't find anything. But we're not 90 percent of NBA players during 80 percent of the season. We don't take an off night. So we ended up at the Q in Cleveland to find out...some fans are willing to pay a lot of money to see this as well.

It took a lot for David and I to sit next to each other at an event like this. The looks were piercing. Even 5 year olds thought we were gay.

Thankfully, there were very few other men there to make fun of us. Girls under ten was the main demographic, and to their credit, they were very big skating fans. 7 year old Lydia was very disappointed that we were not clapping after each song. So we started clapping. She was satisfied, and decided to share her jelly beans.

Here is the line for the women's bathroom at the intermission. I used my limited knowledge of supply and demand to start scalping tickets to the men's room.

While in the bathroom, the men were united in empathy for each other. I turned to one and said "We're half way there." He said "We can only hope. What if they tragically gave us another intermission?" The horror. The horror. We did conclude that any man who came to the event, put on a good face, and checked NCAA tournament scores (tough to do with Xavier and West Virginia in overtime) as little as possible was in line for some "way to be a good sport" action from his wife/girlfriend when the night came to an end.

Here's heartthrob Michael Weiss giving some girl his shirt:
We asked four security guards if this was their worst night of the year. Only one gave us an affirmative. Security guard #2 said that one week later, he's still trying to figure out The Blue Man Group (what's there to figure out?). Another told us to thank our lucky stars we weren't attending the two day "Women of Power" rally. I am woman, hear me roar!

This is Sasha Cohen, the star of the show. She fell 3 times. Looks like she's ready for another Olympics.


-LBK

All in the first 30 minutes

Incest, misogyny and lesbians. I spent my night watching the Beverly Hillbillies.....gone wild.

Actually, I saw The Color Purple at the Palace Theater in Cleveland. It is billed as a musical of hope. As in, I hope all of these things don't happen at once. But they do.

The clientele at the theater was positively un-hockeyish. By that, I mean minorities were represented.

Tolerance was also at a midwest maximum. The woman next to me (white) turned to the man next to her (black) before the show and spoke something very similar to "This is the most blacks I've seen at this theater......and the most kids." She then said she really enjoyed the episode of Diff'rent Strokes when Arnold gets caught with liquor and pulled a 8 1/2 by 11 of W.E.B. DuBois out of her wallet. Just kidding, there.

Great voice on the lead, by the way.

-Benetti

NameOurBook at the Half

We're halfway through...here are the halftime stats:

States visited: 7
Miles Driven: 1,614.6
Drive Time: 25 Hours 23 minutes
Time Benetti's spent sleeping in the car: approx. 20 hours, 12 minutes
Gallons of Gas: 47.026

Best Hotel: Holiday Inn Express, Nashville, TN - flat screen TV, hot breakfast bar, comfortable beds, AND it made us all smarter!
Worst Hotel: Hawthorn Suites, Columbus, OH - only one bed plus pull-out sofa, speakers on the TV blown out and it's impossible to find this place.

Best Meal: Central BBQ, Memphis, TN - perhaps because it followed....
Worst Meal: Blues City Cafe, Memphis, TN - not so bad, as long as you don't expect to eat the food you ordered.

Off to Cleveland for Half #2.
--david

Bad Teams Playing Hockey In Late March

They're going to see the Blue Jackets on back to back nights? In different cities? They're following them home? What the bonk is a Blue Jacket?*

If you read our itinerary in advance, one or all of these questions may have popped in your mind. Completely acceptable. What you don't know is...nothing screams hockey more than an 8 year old team with zero post-season experience in the midst of a mascot identity crisis. Trust us.

We rejoin our heroes during the first intermission of tonight's Chicago Blackhawks vs Columbus Blue Jackets game. 12th Place in the West is on the line! It's another year of flirting with the cellar, but a near capacity crowd doesn't seem to mind. The CBJ's are in a scoreless streak that's now hit 100 minutes (Benetti a first hand observer for 60 of them). I asked the fan behind me "when's the last time your team actually scored a goal?" He took no time retorting "Sunday." (It was actually Saturday night, beginning of the 3rd Period against the Red Wings).

At the 4:49 mark of the second period, Joakim Lindstrom found the back of the net for a Blue Jackets power play goal. There was a Nationwide eruption with a cannon shot that could be heard all around Columbus. Benetti and I pretended to hurry to take a picture in front of the not-so-stagnant anymore scoreboard, but we knew there would likely be another 100 minutes before such an occruance happened again.
Amazingly enough, the CBJ's scored 3 more times, but my 3 stars of the game go to....

3) This Sign. I love puns that transition so seamlessly from the original word. 2) CBJ goalie Freddie Norrena. He came into the game with something to prove. The previous night, all of Nashville spent its time taunting the puck-stopper with jeers of "it's all your fault." See blog post: "Country Music, eh?" With a chip on his shoulder, Norrena stopped all 19 shots he faced. Nothing was his fault, and he posted his 2nd shutout of the year. It has now been concluded that goalies perform at their highest level the game after facing the Predators in Nashville.1) The "grounds crew," featuring 3 tall blonde girls wearing black sweatpants and the green top featured above. During every TV timeout, they came out and "swept" the ice. These scantily clad zambonies are key forces in keeping momentum on Columbus's side.

The game concluded with Benetti and I sitting on the glass. We figured out how the ritual of clapping was invented. It's a story you don't want to miss.

-LBK

*A Blue Jacket is...?

1) A bug.

2) A nickname for a "blue collar" Ohio worker.

3) A Celebration of Patriotism stemming back to the Civil War.

Answer in the comment section.

I aint afraid of no ghosts...or so I thought

For my OMO (odd man out) assignment, I chose to partake in a ghost hunt through downtown Nashville. I don't believe in ghosts, and figured that spending an evening around people trying to convince me they're real would be loaded with Christopher Guest "mocumentary" type comedy. The plan backfired. Excluding our tour guide, I spent the night as the 5th wheel to two newlywed couples.


While there was some humor in watching Katie (on the left) tell the group how many people she'd leave Brian for (Tim McGraw topping the laundry list), the majority of jokes were pointed in my direction.

As far as the hunt goes, I did return with plenty of material. But to my surprise, I started buying a little of what the ghost hunt was selling. Now I don't know what to think. I've got some creepy pictures and stories to share, but those will have to wait for the book.

The night concluded with three cab drivers fighting over me like I was a piece of bread in a duck pond. For you visual learners out there, I'm sorry, there is no picture to document this hilarity.

-LBK

Oh wait, here it is

Day 5: Country Music, eh?

Welcome to Nashville. Home of the Predators.

In almost every way, Nashville trumps Memphis. Even if you don't like country music. And as Benetti will attest, the enthusiasm they have for their NHL team far surpasses the fervor Memphis expresses toward their Grizzlies.

As one fan we met put it: "My cat likes to watch the Grizzlies at home, and we make fun of him for it." That fan is a Preds regular who says I look ike Vince Gill, one of the team's celebrity faithful.

That's him celebrating a goal, which is a lengthly process here. First, they watch the puck go into the net. Then a horn blares, rendering the crowd temporarily deaf. Next we hear a customized version of Tim McGraw's "I Like it, I Love it" with the line "Don't know what it is 'bout those Predators' scoring" tossed in in place of the original lyric. Finally, "Rock n' Roll Part 2" (the "hey" song) blares and the crowd shouts "you suck!" and "we're gonna beat the hell out of you!"

By now, play has resumed for about 2 minutes and nobody has noticed.

They love their chants here, though. Most of them include the word "suck", but our favorite came with one minute remaining in each period. The PA announcer says "one minute remaining," and the crowd responds with a "thanks, Paul." It was great.

(Benetti note--in a very close second place was a jeer levied at the opposing goalie. It went like this:

Noreena! Noreena! You suck. You suck. It's all your fault. It's all your fault.

Poor Frederik Noreena, whose shoelaces will be hidden for the next week.)

Other things that happened - multiple knock-down fights (real crowd-pleasers):


A player fired a puck at one of the boards so hard the glass shattered. There were more than four minutes remaining in the 2nd period when it happened. They took the intermission then, replaced the glass, and came back to play the remaining 24 minutes and change of the game all at once:

The Predators won the game, 3-0.

Fat lady on the scoreboard at end of game seems so easy. It's not done nearly enough.

(It could easily be overdone, though. Don't get any ideas, hordes of teams reading this for ideas.)

Benetti took this picture of me with one of the Predator cheerleaders:
I know, weird right? Cheerleaders at a hockey game? They don't really do anything, but after the picture I'm warming to the idea.

Oh, and the Columbus Blue Jackets? Not very good, but we'll follow them home anyway, just to make sure.

-david (with a hint of Benetti)

Day 4 preview

We'll be leaving the hotel soon to celebrate Elvis and barbecue pits. Then it's off to the land of banjos and predators.

We're going from Memphis to the Neverland ranch.

-Benetti

Stuff that happened away from the Forum

Even on a slow Monday night in late March, there is music on Beale Street, and the smell of barbecue is pervasive and unmistakable. I set off in search of decent company and live music .

My solo "it's not sad, it's research" bar crawl began at the King's Palace Cafe, where I met the "Mayor of Beale Street," Randy Williams:
Here he is entertaining a young tourist...
...who clearly wasn't interested and wanted to step inside.

One note about Memphis - bring spare change and a few dollar bills. These songs out on the street aren't free. Neither is taking pictures of these people, like the Mayor.

The bartender inside the King's Palace tells me that Memphis gets really crazy in May for the International Music Festival, then the Memphis BBQ Fest. But "it's starting to pick up even now."

The next stop is Club 152, where the fine people of Fogelman Management are rockin' out to the After Dark Band. There are a lot of corporate functions in this city and after hours they wind their way to Beale Street to cull embarrassing stories for the return to the office and scream wildly at "Play that Funky Music White Boy" and "Sweet Home Alabama." I got out of that place quickly.

Next Stop: Silky O'Sullivans, home of the Diver -a gallon bucket full of beer, gin, and juice for $18. "You'd be surprised how many people order it. We got a whole palette of buckets downstairs," says the bartender. I did not indulge. Also home to a piano player who makes jokes like this one:

"A toast to women's underwear. Not the best thing in the world, but it's right next to it."
And finally to the Rum Boogie Cafe, where I found this band:

exactly what I was looking for. Great musicians, playing great blues. With a tip bucket on top of a woman's lower half.

That's it from Memphis. Except for this:

Insert Elliot Spitzer joke here.

-david

Day 3: Nothing Happened on the Way to the Forum

This is a fairly good representation of the ratio of people to seats at Monday night's Nuggets-Grizzlies game in Memphis:
Lone Nuggets fan or lone fan?

This is an accurate depiction of how the others in the building seemed to feel:
"He keeps taking me to Grizzlies games, Doc."

We did encounter some nice women in section 232. Bridgett (wearing blue) is a huge Allen Iverson fan. Her friend Marselle told us that Allen "could play on the moon" and Bridgett would watch.
Disappointingly for the people of Memphis, there were not six thousand people at the FedEx Forum. This is what one of the concourses looked like at halftime (strategic bathroom planning to avoid lines totally unnecessary).


Other crowd-not-so-pleasers included:

-Two fireworks blasting from the scoreboard during the starting lineups to sparse applause. They did a much better job inducing minor heart attacks.

-Ushers that would not allow upper-level ticket holders to move to lower-level seats. Think Joaquin Phoenix guarding Rome in Gladiator. It actually took us 10 tries to get downstairs, a heavy blow to our "sneaky confidence."

-An on-court announcer wearing jeans, a Rudy Gay jersey and a poor disposition. He did not want his picture to be taken (something about it ending up on the internet). His wish was not granted.That ball in his hand might have well been a block of muenster. Man this guy was cheesy.


In a related story, this man was peddling fishing equipment pre-game.




He was positioned on a stage in a small annex off of the main arena called the "green room." 100 years ago he'd have been selling bromo seltzer or inviting us to see the fire-eating midget.

Nice Joey Fatone microphone, too.

It does not say much for the crowd at the game or the basketball itself that his act may not have been the most boring. That said, a number of the players were very impressive (see Kenyon Martin blocked shot that sailed to Namibia). The circumstances and atmosphere were not.

-Benetti & LBK